2018-01-25

Tablecloth

A short high-tech sci-fi horror story by Mike Nakis
written in the evening of January 25, 2018.


There was a guy who got in a quarrel with his girlfriend, and she kicked him out of her apartment without even throwing his clothes out the window to him. So there he was, naked on the street, not knowing what to do. Out of necessity, he grabbed a tablecloth from a restaurant, draped himself with it, and started to go home, trying to look as if everything was normal and under control.

People saw him walking on the street draped with a tablecloth, and the only explanation that they could come up with was that he must be making some sort of fashion statement. Some of them decided to imitate him by also wearing tablecloth, and lo and behold, before you knew it there was a tablecloth-wearing movement that was gaining ground like wildfire. In true The Life of Brian fashion.

Imagine that this is all forgotten in the past, and you are now living in a society in which a large part of the population is regularly wearing tablecloth. Wearing tablecloth is considered perfectly normal, even by people who do not wear it. A multitude of explanations have been invented after the fact to try and explain why tablecloth is better than conventional clothing, and the memory of these explanations being invented after the fact is now lost, so people are under the impression that wearing of tablecloth was invented on purpose, to address specific issues.  They will try to convince you to also wear tablecloth with truly disarming statements like the following:
  • Tablecloth is easy: you don't have to learn how to use complicated buttons and zippers and belts and buckles and what not; just hold it with your hand.
  • Tablecloth is simple: it is one size fits all, one shape suits all, no need for designs, no need for cutting and sewing parts together, and the best thing of all? no seam lines!
  • Tablecloth is convenient: when putting it on, you don't have to make your hands fit through sleeves and your legs fit through trousers; you just throw the tablecloth over you, and you are good to go. Want to take it off? no need for complicated motions, just let it fall off of you.
  • Tablecloth is fashionable. Tablecloth is hip. Tablecloth is cool. Who can argue with that?

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was my javascript analogy.


P.S.

Tablecloth is a source of innovation. Every six months or so, someone comes up with a new pattern for printing on tablecloth, which invariably becomes an instant fashion hit, thus revolutionizing the way we dress.