Ignore the clickbait title and cover image: this is simply a little technique for being more likable.

Might be useful to those of us who have a deficit in this area, people in the autistic spectrum who are mistaken for narcissists, etc.

The video is only 9 minutes long. It is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7dNhT1XMqw

My notes:

• Presence
  • Not Surface Questions, but Deep Questions instead.
    • Surface Questions are about facts of life.
    • Deep Questions are about values, beliefs, experiences.
    • Not "where do you work?" but instead "what is the best part of your job?"
    • Not "what hospital are you working at?" but instead "what made you decide to become a doctor?"
• Warmth
  • "Looping for understanding"
    • Ask a question, (preferably a deep question,) and listen to the answer.
    • Repeat the answer in your own words.
    • Ask if you got it right.
• Vulnerability

  • Offer one small, true thing you'd normally keep back.

    • A doubt
    • A mistake you made
    • Something you are nervous about

    ...and let a self-deprecating joke carry it.

Of course, it is easier said than done:

• When looking for a deep question to ask, you are likely to draw a blank.

  • So, the person is in sales. What deep question can you possibly ask to someone in sales?
  • So, the person is a chemist, specializing in petrochemistry. What the f***k do you know about petrochemistry?

• If you ask a question, receive an answer, and try repeating the answer in your own words, chances are that the other person will tell you that you missed some point, and will re-answer to set the record straight. So, now you start repeating their new answer, but while you are at it, they again find something to add, etc. So, you might never get to ask if you got it right. Following simple steps looks nice as an exercise on paper, but it rarely works as intended in reality.

• When trying to offer a small, true thing you'd normally keep back, you run the danger of overshooting or undershooting.

  • Undershooting means ending up saying something which is actually self-praise instead of self-deprecation, coming across as an insufferable narcissist.
  • Overshooting means ending up saying something which is way too embarrassing, and coming across as a complete jerk.

• At the end of all this, we are left with one suggestion: to practice the technique. But how can you practice something like that?

  • I suppose there is only one way, which is to start communicating with random people and trying out the technique; however, there is an element of dishonesty here:
    • Communicating with people not because you have a genuine interest in them, but merely because you want to try out a communication technique.
    • Using people as guinea pigs for your own conversational experiments.
    • Running the risk of giving people a lousy conversational experience (of course, since you are practicing) and being indifferent to it.